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FreeFreddieCurly FreeFreddieElvis FreeFreddieFlag

(Column from Macon Telegraph July 5, 2013)

I don’t confess to many crimes because I never commit any.

I’m going to come clean on this one, though.

I kidnapped my son’s Freddie Freeman bobblehead doll.

Yep, I went over to Grant’s house while he was away and slipped Fast Freddie out the back door.

I left a two-word ransom note, an assortment of upper and lower-case letters cut from magazines.

There were no demands in the note except “Free Freddie.’’

In keeping with modern methods of communication, I also sent a text message. It included a photograph of the empty spot on the shelf where Freddie’s head used to bobble.

Grant texted me back, expressing his displeasure with the hostage situation.

I don’t make a habit out of abducting tiny baseball players whose heads won’t keep still, but I carried out the mission. (Justice, thy name is David.) The last time I checked the criminal code, it is not against the law to reclaim something.

Freddie had been a gift from Hannah and Clay Jones, the newlyweds who live next door. They went to an Atlanta Braves game on May 30, when the first 20,000 fans received Freddie Freeman bobbleheads.

They came home with two and figured one was plenty, so Hannah asked if we wanted the other. Delinda placed it on the counter in the butler pantry, and Grant must have interpreted that as a gesture of adoption.

We turned around, and Freddie was gone. He had barely been out of the box. The body was still warm.

My kidnapping scheme was premeditated. I wanted Freddie back at our house for a few days.

Big Freddie Freeman has become my favorite Braves player. I like the way he hustles. The guy is clutch. He deserves to be on the All-Star team.

I also love how he hugs his teammates in the dugout. Lord knows, the world could use more huggers.

Freddie was kept hostage for five days. Grant’s dog, Curly, became an early suspect in the crime after I took a picture of Freddie, with a hungry-looking Curly in the background. (We did not have to rehearse this scene. Pugs can never keep their tongues in their mouths.)

There were various other random ransom photographs sent out on Facebook.

Freddie with his head hanging out the car window.

Freddie dancing with the Elvis and Big Chicken statues at Minton Lawn and Garden.

Freddie bobbing his chin in front of Luther Williams Field, where he never got to play.

Freddie sitting on top of an old tractor on Highway 26 in Bleckley County. (He did come up through the Braves farm system, you know.)

And, finally, Freddie celebrating with an American Flag for the Fourth of July, the day I had planned to send him back to Grant. We had some fun with it.

Independence Day seemed like a good time to make Freddie Freeman a free man.

One Response to “Free Freddie Freeman: Adventures of hostage bobblehead”

  1. Gummy McFatstacks says:

    The way I inadvertently ended up here while googling “Freddie Freeman bobblehead” was an example of the universe (AKA: Google) rewarding me with randomness. Hilarious read.

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